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Grace and agony, perfectly intertwined. Im reassessing, purging, shedding the non-essentials in order to make room for more stillness, more richness, more satisfaction. I want to always remember this moment with the immediacy I feel now. Im doing my part so that God can do His. I just dug one. Hopefully, there will be a handful of intimate dinner parties around this big, old farmhouse table in my kitchen. Nothing, but nothing would eek over my feet.

In my eighth month of pregnancy, I had been confined to nothing but flip flops for any outing, respectable or otherwise. Lin had to giggle and ask me if it was inside or outside. Its not yet seared into my mind. God has filled my belly with a satiating sureness. Im coming to think of it as a rich simplicity.

In the winter, warm, fuzzy footwear becomes the necessity. In my current mindset, Im focused on other things. This year will be, as all my years have come to be, an open prayer. And no matter the activity, Im contemplating, Im listening, Im praying. Easy does it was the norm not such an easy state for this stubborn girl.

I feel it, though. The life that will allow Leonard and me both to flourish. That means I see less of the people I care about these days. No, it wasnt yet another monumental project I had launched into, only to become overwhelmed and dawdle my way to the end. He can already hold his head up, and is trying with all of his might to command the use of his hands and legs. Im feeling wiser in this new year.

Relationships sit patiently on the sidelines at the moment. Laundry, paperwork, returning phone calls, kitchen cleanup, and yes, the occasional monumental project now a bits-and-pieces process. Leonard has already doubled in weight since his birth. I basked in the scent of the raw earth as I dug. Im living inside my head most of the time, in the constant companionship of God and Leonard. Im not finished in this moment, God. In fact, when I officiated a wedding last September, I did it barefoot. My hands are cracked and chapped from countless daily washings. I dont like cold feet. Its just that now, Im intent on making them a given.

I want him to squeal with joy when his hands squish in the mud. Complacency is a thing of the past. After all, he is, to me, a blessing among blessings. I want less stuff. I dont know that Im thinking about resolutions so much as Im just focused on living a better life. Time is not vertical, its linear, each moment seamlessly flowing into the next. This hole was for the sweet, little hemlock tree I got to commemorate Leonards first Christmas. Hes the Great Inspirer, for. Barefoot and pregnant was the authentic thing. I wonder if my current nesting craze is really just a masked attempt to make time stand still.

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Its body to body massage escort fantasy not that I wasnt striving for these things before. I dont usually have to do that this time of year. God, Leonard and. And I want to be not just a good mother, but the mother he deserves. I was thankful that my body is back.

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Im noticing new lines around my eyes and mouth, and my skin just looks tired. By this time next year, Leonard will be walking and talking. To create more space and time. I havent yet loved it enough. As a friend would say, quality over quantity.

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